Misunderstandings of Cannonballic Proportions
by cowbellgalore
Summary: England/France: Alfred and Matthew hide under the bed and think Francis and Arthur are trying to kill each other... Those aren't groans of pain... -human names- FrUK-CAFE family AU


**A kink meme deanon from a while ago**

"I'm telling you Mattie," said Alfred with an air of confidence enough to rival his _Onkel _Gilbert's, "Dad and Pa aren't going to catch us. They said they'd be gone until night and look, _ Tio _Antonio is asleep!" Alfred poked their Spanish family friend on the nose, causing it to crinkle slightly with a sniff.

Matthew, still unconvinced, pulled his stuffed polar bear tightly to his chest ("His name is Kumero… I mean Kumunji… I mean-") and used one of its paws to jab the sleeping Antonio in the calf. "I dunno Alfie," he whispered hesitantly, scared the sleeping man would wake up, "can't we just wait? Our birthdays aren't that far away, and yours is only three days after mine…"

"Don't be such a downer, Mattie! This'll be an adventure! I'll be the hero – of course- and you can be my sidekick!" Alfred struck a pose, giving his brother a thumbs up that nearly stabbed the boy in the eye. Before Matthew could protest, Alfred had already started dragging him up the staircase by his over-sized jumper. Alfred fisted his hand and pumped the air, "This is gonna be great! How could this fail?"

* * *

><p>"Alfred F. Jones Kirkland-Bonnefoy! We can't go into dad and papa's bedroom!"<p>

Alfred F. Jones Kirkland-Bonnefoy unplugged his ears with wide eyes, "I never knew you could be so lou-"

"We're not allowed! Daddy said there's lots of scary things in there that children shouldn't see or they won't be able to sleep for the rest of forever!"

"Daddy's delusional, Mattie," said Alfred, rolling his eyes.

Matthew harrumphed, "You don't even know what that means."

"Stop being a party-pooper!" Alfred turned the knob to their parents' bedroom, the door creaking open with a eerie sound. He slowly placed one foot inside the door, turning to grin at Matthew when the other, much wearier child inhaled sharply. Opening the door wider, Alfred slid into the room and ran his hand against the wall in search of the light switch. Matthew closed his eyes when light filled the room, only daring to crack open a lid when Alfred didn't say anything.

Both boys observed the room in tentative silence, Alfred in the doorway and Matthew peeking around him. They had been in there, once or twice early Christmas morning, but never when their parents weren't home. Many a time, Arthur or 'Dad' would tell them stories of weird, but not entirely wonderful things lurking in the bedroom he shared with Francis, or rather 'Papa'. They'd never even dared to imagine on their own what might be in there, Arthur telling them stories to fill them with enough fright not to do so. Francis had his fair share of spooks to tell the children too, though Arthur would often interrupt half way through a story anytime the word 'lingerie' was mentioned. Matthew and Alfred didn't know what this word meant, of course, but the way Arthur's face burned whenever Francis said it could only mean it was something terrifying.

Taking in Francis and Arthur's bedroom was a feat in itself. Though they had been in the room before, they'd never really paid attention to what was inside, besides their parents who were always unbelievably late to Christmas. The bed looked spacious, light coloured blankets lay in a heap on the bed, unmade, surrounded by a scatter of pillows. Socks, a tie, some suspenders and what looked like pyjamas littered the floor, some mysterious squares that were ripped along one side in between the other mess. Light spilled out from the connecting bathroom, indicating Francis and Arthur must have been in a rush to leave to forget something like that.

"You know… my room isn't this messy, but dad's always complaining about it… even though his is worse… and mine isn't…" pondered Alfred, brow creasing further and further the more he pondered, "that's not… fair…"

Matthew rolled his eyes, edging next to Alfred so they both stood in the doorway. When Alfred didn't say anymore, Matthew prepared himself to brave the seemingly foreboding vastness of the room to switch off the bathroom light. Matthew was quite concerned about the 'primate exchange' that the guy on television always mentioned. He had no idea what that had to do with how much power they used, but he liked animals and the ones in the zoo were cute and he didn't want them to be given away only to get other monkeys that weren't friendly.

The environmentally aware child was able to take one step, before Alfred stuck out his arm and blocked the way. Matthew looked at his brother's face. Alfred had his face down, eyes closed as if concentrating, his nose not even twitching as he breathed.

He suddenly lifted his head and opened his eyes wide, startling Matthew enough to make him drop his polar bear of many names. "No Mattie," began Alfred slowly, "it is too dangerous. This room could be dangerous, could be booby-trapped." Alfred propped his hands on his hips and stared off into the middle distance, "I will go first, for you are only a side-kick and this is a job for a hero," he looked at Matthew and grinned, "that's me."

Not able to think of anything that wasn't at least a little bit snarky to say, Matthew kept quiet as Alfred strut his way into the bedroom. Somewhat put out, Matthew followed.

* * *

><p>Without the light from the bathroom, Alfred and Matthew had to open some mildly dusty blinds and turn on a bedside lamp. The lamp illuminated the table it sat on, as well as the alarm clock, another mysterious square and a small stack of books. It also looked like either Francis or Arthur had forgotten their cell phone.<p>

Matthew stood in the middle of the room, looking around and taking everything in with the sort of hesitance one has when entering a job interview for the first time. Alfred, however, was quite happy to get down and rummage through the room.

"Alfred…" mumbled Matthew, still looking around hesitantly, "I really don't think we should be in here. Dad's gonna know we were in here, you're making such a mess."

"Bah, he won't know, it was just as messy before," said Alfred with his head stuck in the bottom drawer of the dresser next to the bathroom door, "besides, we got plenty of time. We'll find the presents, take a look and put everything the way it was before. Easy peasy."

Matthew only sighed in defeat. He'd already raised his voice once and he wasn't about to do it again, lest Alfred tell their parents. Then they'd pay attention to him. Though it was frustrating to be brushed over time and time again, it did have its advantages, meaning, Alfred got blamed for nearly one hundred percent of Matthew's faults.

The next half hour was spent with Matthew slowly drifting through the room, inspecting anything interesting with his foot or Kullulluwalla's paw, while Alfred stuck various body parts into any nook and cranny that could possibly be hiding a birthday present.

Eventually, Alfred huffed, crossed his arms and pouted as he plopped himself on the floor. Matthew turned to him, a curious expression on his face.

"It's not fair!" exclaimed Alfred, puffing out his cheeks to show just how displeased he was.

"I told you Alfie, we should just wait," said Matthew as he turned away and examined one of the mysterious squares on the floor.

Not satisfied and still intent on at least seeing the shape of his present (which in all honestly was quite pointless considering it would most likely be in a box), Alfred scanned the room. He'd checked the dressing table, behind the dressing table, the side tables, the closet, even the bathroom, but still no luck. He hadn't checked all the drawers in the dresser, only the bottom two because he was too short. There was still one more near the top, and in coming to the revelation that the present may be in that drawer, Alfred realised he hadn't checked under the bed either.

"Mattie, what time is it?"

Matthew shook his head, not bothering to look at Alfred, "Dunno."

"The alarm clock's right there."

"…The little hand is in between the three and the four."

"Right, and Pa said they'd be back at nine when the little hand's on the nine so… We got plenty of time!"

Alfred stood up quickly. Thumb and pointer scratching his chin and with an expression those superheroes usually had when they were thinking, that I'm-so-cool-I-look-good-when-I'm-using-my-brain expression, he surveyed the room. His gaze fixed itself on a sitting chair in the corner farthest from him. It looked sturdy, it's fabric a rich red with one cushion of the same colour in its seat and another on the floor.

With a cry of 'aha!', Alfred rushed over it to, skipping over a pile of books that lay near the chair. With all the strength he could muster and all the images and thoughts of superheroes he could pack into his brain, Alfred pushed the chair towards the dresser. Matthew, who had been watching from the other side of the room, watched on, preventing himself from giggling at Alfred's puffed out cheeks by stuffing his face into the back of Kamillionaire's head.

Surprisingly –("THAT'S how a hero does it!") Alfred managed to move the chair all the way to the dresser. Standing on the seat, he was able to reach the top drawer and wasted no time in opening it and exploring.

Matthew made his way over, expertly dodging everything Alfred threw out of the drawer. "Alfie, slow down, you said you'd put everything back where it was," warned Matthew.

"Yeah, yeah, I will. I just wanna get a quick peek as fast as I can so we can go play. I just thought of a great new game we can play."

"Oh?"

Alfred turned around, a photograph of sorts in his hands. He grinned, "Blackmailing Dad."

Matthew nearly screeched. He turned his head away quickly, shoulders shaking, "Alfred! Put that away!"

"Gross, ain't it?"

"What is it?"

"… I dunno… it looks like… the back of Pa."

"No, next to Papa! What is that?"

"It looks like… _Onkel _Gil."

"Why is he naked? Why are they all naked?"

"Uh…" Alfred flipped the photo over, sensing there must be something on the back. True enough, there was a date, "Oh, it's from that time Dad and Pa dumped us with _Tio _Antonio ("BUHYOO- Of course I'll look after your kids!") and went to Germany… Oh hey I can see _Néni_ Eliza… why doesn't she have a-"

"Put it away Alfred!"

Alfred put the photo in the drawer, towards the back where he found it. He shook his head several times before beginning his raid again. "Help me look Mattie, there's tons of other stuff in here."

Already scarred for what would most likely be the rest of his life, Matthew firmly said 'no' in the loudest voice he could muster at the moment. Of course Alfred didn't notice though.

"C'mon Mattie, you helping or what?"

Sighing in resignation, Matthew stepped up onto the chair next to Alfred, his brother having to move over slightly to accommodate. Matthew tucked Kustinbieber under his arm and began moving things around in the drawer with his free hand.

Several moments in silence passed, both boys seemingly completely enraptured by what was in the drawer. Alfred finally broke the silence, holding up a strange object.

"What's this?"

Matthew looked at it suspiciously, "I don't-"

"AH IT'S MOVING."

The strange object vibrated in Alfred's hand and immediately he dropped it to the ground. It bounced itself underneath the chair where the whirring sound it made seemed amplified.

"IT'S A MONSTER. DAD WAS RIGHT."

"Alfred I really don't think this is a good idea! Let's get out of here now, we don't have to clean it up. Daddy and Papa won't notice, it was a mess anyway, let's just-"

"Oooh what's this?"

Alfred pointed to a line of thick metallic beads at the bottom of the drawer. Alfred looked fascinated. Matthew was absolutely terrified.

"Alfred we should-"

_**BANG**_

_"Ah! _ Bonjour _Antonio!"_

Matthew and Alfred froze in their spots.

_"Pipe down frog! I've got a God awful headache right now."_

"_Oh do stop whining_ rosbif_, you weren't complaining in the car!"_

"_Of course I wasn't! I was berating you for your utter stupidity! First you forget your mobile, then you purposely fail to tell me my brothers were coming, then you-_"

The rest of the conversation was drowned out by the booming silence in the room. Matthew's entire body went cold, then hot. The spot where his heart would be went tight, his hands unconsciously clenched Kukukachoo to his chest and he held his breath.

Alfred, jumped off the chair and stayed crouched to the ground. There was no reason for it, he just got a fright when he heard Arthur's voice.

_"AH! … Oh, _hola _Francis, Arthur."_

"_Don't_ 'hola_' me you idiot, where are the kids?"_

At the mention of 'kids', Matthew and Alfred sprung into action. Alfred hurriedly reached under the chair for the vibrating… 'thing', fumbling with it for a moment before finding a switch to turn it off. Matthew dropped Kuul-aid to the ground and arranged the mess on the floor to how he remembered it to be when they first walked in.

_"GOOD. BYE."_

**BANG**

"_Wanker_."

Matthew's hands shook as he tried fluffing out the clothes so they looked liked they'd been thrown there and not tread on by two boys. Alfred threw the weird do-hickey into the top drawer, throwing other weird objects he'd tossed out earlier back in too and closed it, forgoing getting on the chair and having to stand on his tip-toes to reach.

_"-and because of you, the whole bleedin' night was ruined!"_

"_Arthur, mind your voice, Toni said the boys were sleeping_."

'Pfffft, yeah right' was the thought that arose in both Alfred and Matthew's heads.

_"-want to go to bed already…"_

"_It's only around four_, mon imbécile_. You're always such a lazy-"_

"_Oh shut it you-_"

"Mattie, help me move this chair!" yelled Alfred in the quietest voice he could manage. Matthew ran behind the chair and pushed with Alfred, the furniture moving twice as fast as it had before.

_"-ould check on the boys, I don't trust that Spaniard as far as I can throw him."_

"_I thought you said you had a good arm_."

"They're coming up the stairs Alfred," said Matthew worriedly, "their voices are getting louder."

_"O-Oi! Stop that!"_

"_But you said you wanted to go to bed_."

"_To sleep you annoying-_"

"Alfred!"

_"-incompetent-"_

"Alfred they're getting closer!"

_"-bloody useless-"_

"Quick Mattie, under the bed!"

_"-sexy French son of a bitch!"_

Alfred and Matthew flinched in their position under the bed at the sound of the bedroom door hitting the wall. They could see the doorway clearly because the bed sheets and blankets were still on a heap on the bed, which also meant they could see Francis and Arthur trying to strangle one another, and suffocate the other with their mouth. At least, that's what it looked like to Matthew and Alfred.

"They're going to kill each other!" gasped Matthew.

Alfred looked a little concerned too, "Aren't they just," he gagged a little, "kissing?"

"Papa and Daddy don't kiss like that. When they kiss, Daddy always pushes Papa away after a while. Then they both turn away from each other and smile... or Dad just throws stuff at Papa. This just looks like they're trying to eat off each others faces!"

Alfred's eyes widened, "They're cannonballs!"

* * *

><p>Arthur groaned into Francis' mouth, his voice hoarse with arousal. Francis always managed to get him hot under the collar in record time, something Arthur wasn't sure he liked or loathed.<p>

Francis, equally aroused, began sliding his hands up Arthur's sides. The once crisp button up shirt bunched around elegant fingers and rode up the pale stomach. With one final swipe of his tongue inside Arthur's mouth, Francis detached himself, inwardly pleased when Arthur tried to follow him, and kneeled. Holding up Arthur's shirt, he kissed the somewhat toned stomach with an open mouth, tonguing the belly-button that so happened to present itself.

* * *

><p>"Alfred, Papa's trying to eat Dad's tummy!"<p>

"I'll save-"

"Now Daddy's trying to eat Papa's shoulder!"

"I'll save- ... Do I save Dad or Pa?"

* * *

><p>Leaning over Francis, Arthur kissed his partner's shoulder, working his way from the joint towards a pale column of neck. He batted Francis' hands away, the skilled fingers falling to hook onto Arthur's belt loops instead. Arthur's eyes rolled back slightly each time Francis' kisses got closer to his pants. Not taking his mouth away from the tasty shoulder, Arthur began undoing his shirt buttons from the bottom up, the flaps of cloth falling around Francis' face.<p>

* * *

><p>"What should we do Alfie?"<p>

"…I dunno… They're both trying to eat each other but they aren't pushing each other away… Maybe they like it?"

Alfred leant over and bit Matthew on the shoulder, causing him to flinch away.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Well if you don't like it, how can they like it?"

"I don't know, but- where'd they go?"

Matthew and Alfred frantically searched the doorway in a moment of panic, before hearing the bed squeak above them with added weight.

* * *

><p>"Dammit, Francis! Why do you wear such fucking tight pants to dinner?"<p>

Francis pouted, sticking one foot up to rub at Arthur's crotch through the man's own pants, causing him to forget stripping his partner in favour of rubbing up against the offered friction. "But Arthur," said Francis with feigned hurt in his voice, "I do it for you. I thought you liked the way it accentuates my, how you say, 'family jewels'. Don't think I didn't see you staring at them in the car." Francis winked.

Arthur seethed in his head, torn between cutting Francis out of his pants, rubbing against Francis' foot and punching Francis in the face. He bit his bottom lip, trying to concentrate on getting Francis out of his clothes before getting off or causing bodily harm, but try as he might, Arthur just couldn't get the pants past Francis' thighs.

* * *

><p>"What do you think they're doing up there? They're making a lot of noise…"<p>

"Well, if I know my hero movies –and I do- they're probably battling it out… The hero will win of course."

"…But… Is Daddy or Papa the hero?"

Alfred stared at Matthew for a moment. "Duh," he said, "I'm the hero."

Matthew paused, "So… how do you win a battle that Dad and Papa are fighting?"

"I don't know, but I will."

* * *

><p>Francis groaned as Arthur eagerly palmed his cock through his tricolour underwear and undid his satin shirt, Arthur's enthusiasm doubling after managing to rid Francis of his vulgar pants. Arthur hovered over Francis, knees planted on either side of the man beneath him.<p>

"I swear, Francis," growled Arthur, fingers nearly tearing through Francis' buttons, "if you wear those pants again I'll fucking kill you."

"Oh my, I suppose I'll save them for a special occasion, _non_?" Francis rolled his hips upwards, sending the back of Arthur's hand into his own crotch at an awkward angle.

* * *

><p>"Alfie... what does... 'fucking' mean?"<p>

"Isn't that what you do to a chicken before you eat it?"

"...Alfie they're really trying to eat each other!"

* * *

><p>By now, Francis was spread out on the bed, one knee propped up, in nothing but his briefs. Arthur stared at him through gritted teeth, undoing his fly as quickly as he could and practically flinging his pants off, sending the clothing flying across the room onto the red chair in the corner.<p>

Francis made kissing gestures with his lips, taunting Arthur as the other man opened the side table drawer to search for their bottle of lube and fresh condoms ("Fucking frog, told him to leave it on the table, not in it… left the bloody light on too... incompetent son of a-"), never taking his eyes off Francis for a second. Arthur sneered back at him, Francis' constant ability to distract Arthur making him take much longer than either thought necessary.

Finally successful in finding a half empty bottle of 'Smooth As Your Uncle's Greasy Hair Lube In A Bottle' and a condom, Arthur launched himself onto Francis, delighting in knocking the wind out of him.

"Arthur, you aren't as light as you think you are," breathed out Francis as he pushed Arthur off his person.

Arthur just shrugged, "I weigh less than you."

"Because I have more muscle and you English are so scrawny."

"No, because you have more fat and you French eat too many desserts."

"Muscle is heavier than fat."

"Try telling that to Alfred. Poor lad beats himself up about gaining extra weight. He just doesn't understand that it's muscle. He won't listen to me, and as much as I hate to suggest it, maybe you should talk to him?"

Francis was quiet a moment, doing nothing but staring at Arthur.

"What?" asked Arthur, frowning.

"...Forget about the condom, I need you now."

Francis grabbed Arthur quickly, dipping him and kissing his shoulder. Arthur pushed his head away, "Wha- Francis! What about the-"

"_Non,_Arthur, just a little bit now."

"For crying out loud, why are you so damn randy?"

Francis smiled, Arthur noting it was half cheeky half sincere, "You know how your concerned paternal side gets me going."

* * *

><p>"I think they're talking about you Alfred," whispered Matthew.<p>

Alfred curled into a near foetal position, gripping one of Matthew's arms. "You don't think they're going to kill each other over me, do you?" he asked, voice dripping with a lot of concern for someone of his age.

"I…" began Matthew, "I… really don't know… Alfred I'm scared!" Matthew gripped Alfred back, "What if they kill each other? You saw them!"

Shaking his head, Alfred could only agree with Matthew's fears. Both scared and fearing for their parent's lives, they clung to each other, Alfred tighter than Matthew. Matthew hugged Alfred's arm, but it just didn't feel right.

"Alfred… where's Kumiroquai?"

* * *

><p>"…<em>Merde<em>! Ah, Arthur…"

Francis' eyes were shut, eyebrows drawn together as Arthur licked him through his underwear. Arthur alternated between licking harshly and sucking on Francis' penis through the fabric, one hand steadying a flailing thigh, the other stuck up Francis' underwear to grope an arse cheek. Pleased sounds spilled passed Francis' lips without restraint, the occasional groan fuelling Arthur's desire to both please and dominate his partner.

* * *

><p>"I think Pa's in pain!" yelled Alfred, trying hard to muffle his voice in his sleeve.<p>

Matthew bit his lip in worry, "I really need Kunamatata right now Alfie, I'm scared."

"Where'd you leave him?"

Matthew looked around the floor quickly, tentatively brushing part of the bed sheets that were beginning to spill over the edge of the bed away for a better view. His eyes widened when he noticed a white paw sticking out from underneath his Papa's pants, the toy seemingly waving for help.

"He's over there," said Matthew, pointing.

Crinkling his brow, Alfred thought for a moment. He shook his head, "How you gonna get him?"

Matthew flinched when Francis let out a loud, sharp yell. "Um, I guess-"

"Just stick out your hand and grab him and bring him back as fast as you can."

"B-B-B-But, Alfie! You're supposed to be the hero!"

"The sidekick always needs time to shine."

"They'll see me!"

"Matthew, if you can stand in front of Dad for a bazillion seconds while he reads the newspaper and not have him see you, you can grab Kuwhatshisname without getting caught."

"…Kay…"

* * *

><p>Arthur glared at Francis as the man flipped their bodies around so that Arthur was on the bottom. "This displeases me," he said flatly. Francis snorted a laugh, wasting no time in descending upon one of Arthur's nipples. He teased it with his tongue, flicking it gently before completely smothering it.<p>

Arthur let himself slip slightly when Francis broke eye contact to focus on his body, near growling at the sparks of electricity flying down his body.

* * *

><p>Matthew positioned himself so he was on his belly, aligned with the edge of the bed. He stuck out his hand, hands flailing for Kuramel but coming just that little bit short.<p>

"Alfie, he's too far away!"

"Just reach more!"

Matthew, with all his might, stretched his arm as far as it would go, clenching his eyes shut and hoping that he could grab his bear.

He had just grabbed Kuppet, when Alfred chose that moment to accidentally knock Matthew in just the right spot so that he rolled out from under the bed, onto Francis' pants with his shocked eyes staring at the ceiling.

Both boys were completely frozen, not even able to hear the groans of 'pain' coming from Francis and Arthur over the tension.

"Alfie... help... me," whispered Matthew with trembling lips, Alfred straining his ears to hear.

* * *

><p>"Bloody hell Francis!" Arthur's eyes were shut tight as he bucked up into Francis' mouth, one hand fisting the sheets, the other tightly wound in silky golden locks, "For the love of the Queen, have you been practicing on cucumbers or something?"<p>

Francis looked up at Arthur, not stopping his current devouring of his partner's penis. He winked when Arthur opened his eyes, the man near snarling at the blasted talented Frenchman, "If I say _oui_... will you be aroused?"

"No."

"Then _oui_."

* * *

><p>"Come on Mattie, just crawl back here!" whispered Alfred loudly, not moving from the safety under the bed.<p>

Matthew swallowed thickly, clutching Ku$ha close to his body. He rolled over onto his side so he faced Alfred, his brother looking on with dinner plate eyes. Just as he was about to make his first move, Arthur let out a high pitched yelp, followed by a "FUCK YES!"

"Alfie, I think Daddy's winning."

Alfred gasped, "No way... Go check."

"What? No! I can't- I mean- they'll see me!"

"Nah they won't. Come on Mattie, just take a peek and come back under the bed. They can't be doing anything that bad, right?"

Matthew thought about it. If they were trying to kill each other, there'd be blood dripping off the sheets, right? And if they were trying to kill each other, they would have weapons and stuff, right? And if they were trying to kill each other, they wouldn't do it in the bedroom... right?

Matthew got onto his feet and crouched, kicking his Papa's pants aside in the process. "Alfie, take Kuddlebumpkin," he said solemnly as he rolled the bear under the bed, Alfred catching him with a salute.

Hands on his knees, Matthew took a deep breath and ever so slowly, began to stand up. It took him a while to be confident enough to stand at his full height, and when he did, he was glad he wasn't holding Kudacris, because he knew he would have dropped him in his astonishment.

"What are they doing, Mattie?"

Matthew stuttered a few times, not able to comprehend the situation happening before his eyes.

"...Mattie?"

"P-P-P-Papa's trying to bite off Daddy's willy!"

"WHA-?"

"Wait... oh good... Dad pushed Papa away."

"Oh, that's goo-"

"Now Daddy's holding down Papa's hands and trying to crush him!"

"Oh hey I haven't checked under the bed for presents yet..."

"Alfie!"

"Oh right... well, Papa's strong right? He can fight back... Hey what's this..."

"Well now Papa's on top... and he's chewing on Dad's neck! And he's crushing Dad's willy in his hand! And Dad's trying to pull Papa off by his butt! Oh Alfred, we have to do something!"

"Alright, hold on, I've found some weapons."

Matthew looked over to Alfred, just in time to catch a strange strip of leather. "What's this?"

"I dunno, but some of the cowboys on the morning shows have them, 'cept I think they're longer... Look what I got," Alfred held up a funny looking object, pale in colour with a bulbous head and strange bumps along the side, "Kinda looks like that moving thing in the drawer, but I guess I could knock someone out with this."

Alfred, crawled a little ways from under the bed, weapon in hand. He threw Kulejandro back at Matthew. "This is the plan," both winced when either Francis or Arthur groaned in what was most likely pain, they couldn't tell who. Alfred continued, resisting the urge to cover his ears, "This is the plan, on the count of three, we jump on the bed."

"...Then what?" queried Matthew, sure there was more to this 'plan'.

"Uh... Well we'll think about it when we get there, kay? Alright. One... TwoTHREE!"

* * *

><p>Arthur grabbed Francis' mouth which was previously doing wonderful things to his neck and forced his tongue in, coaxing him closer by gripping a firm behind. "Mmmmfuck Fwancish," he mumbled into Francis' mouth, "Fuck hurry upmmm."<p>

Francis pulled away slightly, quietly satisfied just to watch Arthur squirm as he massaged the hard cock within his hand, "Ah Arthur, what happened to the Englishman I knew who always insisted on a shower before sex?"

"He's on holiday in 'hurry-the-fuck-up-or-you-sleep-on-the-couch'-town." Arthur shoved Francis' hand away from his penis, grabbing both of their cocks in his own hand. Francis' eyes rolled back, his back arching and his hips pressing themselves forward.

"I'm going to fuck you so hard in the shower after this, you won't be able to sit your French arse down right until your next prostate exam."

"At least my doctor doesn't have cold finge-AAA-aaahs..."

Francis could feel his orgasm coming, and by the drawn together thick eyebrows hiking their way up Arthur's forehead and the way his mouth was inching itself open, he knew Arthur was close too.

Arthur pumped faster, their combined fluids making his movements easier. His body began to tremble, Francis' doing the same above him. He leant up, meeting Francis halfway for a messy kiss. His free hand went up to Francis' hair, bringing the man closer, Francis responding by wrapping his arms around Arthur's neck. Francis bucked against him, lids beginning to cover those brilliant blue eyes, soft long lashes brushing against high cheeks, mouth working in sync with his own, hands gripping at his back, caressing his-

"THREE!"

They would deny anything of the sort later, but both Francis and Arthur let out very unmanly shrieks of fright as their two boys jumped onto the bed.

* * *

><p>It was a funny sight, in all honestly. Matthew and Alfred were poised ready for a fight. Francis and Arthur looked like they were ready to run screaming out of the room and out of the house.<p>

Arthur and Francis grabbed the bed sheets to cover themselves, sending Alfred and Matthew tumbling off the bed. They breathed deeply, trying to calm their racing hearts as the boys scrambled back onto the bed, Alfred more hurriedly than his brother.

"Stop hurting Pa!" was his battle cry as he launched himself at Arthur, knocking him backwards so his head hung off the bed.

"Alfred? What the- Stop it!" Arthur grabbed Alfred's hands, "What are you- oh my God..."

Francis had the gall to laugh, that is, until he noticed Matthew beating his chest repeatedly with a whip that he'd lost last time Arthur and he had played '_Monsieur_Kirkland's Happy Hour Only He's Sober' and Matthew's stuffed bear, "Don't eat Daddy! You cannonball!"

"Cannonball? Matthieu what do you- what are you holding? _Mon petit_, stop..." Francis soothed the back of Matthew's head, winning the boy over with affection alone. "Matthieu, what is this about?"

Matthew sniffed slightly, "You and Daddy were trying to kill each other and _–sniff-_I-I-I saw you trying... to bite off his privates..."

Francis took a deep breath and let it out slowly, only to keep himself from laughing at both the innocence of dear Matthew and at Alfred whacking Arthur on the head with- "...Alfred put that down!"

Alfred turned around to Francis, "Wha- Hey!" Francis knocked the dildo out of Alfred hands, causing the boy to pout and stick his tongue out, "That was my weapon."

Francis stuck his tongue out right back, "Should have held on tighter. Anyway, Alfred, Matthieu, please, please explain-"

"What in God's name you are doing in here!" finished Arthur, face already going from aroused red to a weird combination of embarrassed pink and furious scarlet.

Alfred looked over at his brother whose face was still buried in Francis' chest and decided he should explain, "Well, we were under the bed and then you guys came in and were trying to eat off each other's faces and trying to suffer-... suffa-... suffercatate each other and then we were worried but you disappeared and we heard you on the bed and then it sounded like you were trying to kill each other and then Mattie had to grab his bear and he saw Pa trying to eat off your doodle and you were trying to crush Pa and so I found these weapons to stop you being cannonballs and here we are."

"Cannonballs?" asked Francis, still patting Matthew's head.

"Yeah, cannonballs, like, in them cartoons where the hero goes into the jungle and all the people with bones in their noses try to put him in the big pot so they can eat him."

"...I think you mean cannibals, Alfred," corrected Arthur.

"Yeah, I said that, cannonballs."

"Right..." Arthur looked over at Francis who only shrugged back at him. "So," he turned back to Alfred, "What were you two doing in our room in the first place?"

Francis looked down at Matthew when he tensed in his lap, "Matthieu? What's wro- _AЇE AЇE_," he grabbed Matthew and turned him around in his lap, "_mon petit_, don't pull my chest hair."

"Sorry Papa..."

"So? Boys, your papa and I are waiting for an explanation."

Alfred looked around worriedly, "Well... er..."

Arthur folded his arms, looking at Matthew from the corner of his eye, "If I don't have an explanation right now, I'm not buying anymore maple syr-"

"ALFIE WANTED TO FIND OUR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS."

"MATTIE!"

* * *

><p>Arthur sighed contently. Matthew and Alfred were in their rooms, though he swore he had heard Alfred sneak into Matthew's room.<p>

He nuzzled his face into Francis' still wet neck, his post-coital haze blurring what he called his 'better judgement'. "Francis," he mumbled almost happily, "that was the worst shag I've ever had."

"Hmmmm, I agree," Francis kissed Arthur's moist cheek, "just the way I like it."

"Hm... hey, you don't think Alfred's mad at me, do you?"

Arthur looked up at Francis when he didn't receive an answer, "Francis?" He suddenly found himself in a tight, damp embrace.

"Your concern is so attractive… my cannonball."

* * *

><p>"Maaaaaatiiiiieee! Why'd you have to tell on me! Now I'm not allowed to watch T.V. on Saturday mornings anymore!"<p>

"Well you did the same thing when I broke a tea cup and Daddy said he'd cook dinner every day!"

"That was to save our lives!

**ffnet formatting, how does it work :|**


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